Recently I've been having a lot of chest pains and problems breathing due to my "live fast, die faster" lifestyle and a friend suggested I see a doctor. It was then I realized I have not been to a doctor since MLK Day 2005(dubbed Ted Appreciation Day for obvious reasons), and it gave me a idea. I'm only going to voluntarily see a doctor one more time and that, my friends, is to get diagnosed with cancer.

I have a couple ideas for TV shows or a reality movie much like Super Size Me.
The first of which deals with me giving myself cancer, probably from staring into the microwave the entire time it takes to cook a potato in there. I will then go to a doctor to make sure I've accomplished my mission and beat it cold turkey from there on out. No doctors on this one Michael.

The second of which, is when I realized how I need money and while I was baptised I never made my communion because my parents gave me the choice to watch cartoon with my Dad or go to Church School or whatever its called, I wasn't retarded and I chose cartoons. The time is now to cash in, especially because I think all religion is bullshit so I can take advantage. Ill make my communion, cash in. Convert to Judaism, have my bar mitzvah, cash in. Ill do whatever Native Americans do and go on that weird spiritual shit where you trip balls in the woods(just another weekend to me) and cash in. Maybe have a Super Sweet 16 too. Ill get B2K to reunite and perform. I'll need a party planning committee if anyone is interested.

Sorry if I offended anyone with cancer or believes in religion. Except not.

Ideas

-A pepper grinder that is the slut from the Exorcist. Her head is the part that your turn to grind the pepper.(Can also be used with owls, would probably be much cuter.)
-A salt shaker that looks like a rolled up 20 dollar bill, for obvious reasons.
-I should open a novelty salt shaker/pepper grinder store.

-A really cool prank would be to mix a really old one with something new. You take the old bucket over water or oatmeal over the door trick and just fill it with $1 bills, BAM! Make it rain on someone in a classic way.

Last night, around 7 pm, I realized I was sitting on my couch, still in my boxers, all the lights off, eating Hot Pockets and drinking alone. I then realized how this will probably be how I spend the rest of my life and I'm totally okay with that.

Country Fried Steak, or country fried anything, is the greatest invention ever. Actually Chicken Fried Steak. I dont really know what that means but chicken, steak, and deep frying are involved and thats the recipe for success.

Snow is the greatest white rapper ever. His hit single Informer changed the way people make music today.

Teen movies-
I love all of the really lame teen movies, always have. but recently theyve gotten worse and worse. Recently i was watching Juno and I thought to myself, when is Matthew Lillard gonna embarrass this cunt? it never happened. and it made me think, what happened to teen movies? what happened to the days of Freddie Prinze Jr and Jennifer Love Hewitt and John Wilkes Booth and other 3 part names. And I realized its our fault. Us as the viewing audience have gotten soft and made it alright to be a nerd. for some reason its "cute" to be unpopular and people are okay with that. Michael Cera should have gotten his ass beat by Paul Walker long before Superbad was ever made. The only cool nerds in 90s teen movies were all stoners*, who are still cool to this day. Fuck you all. You ruined my idol, FPJ.

White girls with dreadlocks-
For real? Just kill yourself.



Alright, I'll expand a little. A hate white girls that have dread locks. I guess thats a little sexist but white guys with dreadlocks I hate for a different reason. These are the people that sit in college class rooms sitting cross legged in desks that know theyre uncomfortable but they still do it to send some sort of message, i dont get it either. They sit there and nod their heads while the professor talks and eats granola bars and shit like that. They spend thousands of dollars a year to go to school and then stand on the corner for green peace. really cool guys. Also, they just look dirty.


Kanye West-
I dont get why anyone is surprised or takes this guy seriously. He clearly goes out of his way for attention and is a character he made up himself. The dudes a loser, he went to Polaris, a charter school on the southside. His mom died and he got all depressed and started making worse music.

Super Nintendo-
The rest of this blog was angry so i'll end on a good note. I recently busted out my SNES. its the best system ever. whatever.




*Other than the one nerd in Cant Hardly Wait that ended up being really cool and sang Paradise City.

After watching more Arthur ive decided that Mr Ratburn is indeed a homo. The way he talks, the way hes really catty. All of that, huge homo. On top of that, in the episode where the class has to write a paper on thanksgiving and Francine plagiarizes, Mr Ratburn is seen eating thanksgiving dinner at home by himself. So not only does he not have a family of his own to eat with but his extended family has dis-owned him for being gay. 

I've decided how Im gonna make my big break in the entertainment biz. I want to knock up a 16 year old and get on the show 16 and Pregnant. Ill then makeup a good character to act as on the show and once the shows up, ditch the family. But the fans of MTV will be wanting more of me, more of Jake "The Jake" Speck which is when I get my own spinoff show. I havent decided what my show will be yet, maybe sorta like Bromance but less bromantic.

Lastly, I hate all kinds of pride parades. Im not just saying this because of the gay pride parade being recently but that was the final straw. If youre not waving a 'Merican flag, put it away.

You know what really grinds my gears? How a bakers dozen is 13 yet when you get a dozen donuts from the bakery you only get 12. I could really use that extra donut. 

Idea for a movie- Like Mike 3. Instead of Bow Wow finding a pair of Michael Jordans shoes and becoming good at basketball, a overweight, out of shape white kid (possibly played by me or the kid from Bad Santa) puts on black face, like back in the day when white people played black people in movies, and then becomes really good at basketball. He will then go on and take over the street ball scene instead of the NBA and all the black people at the courts will be confused.

Im really excited for the summer, heres a list of things to look forward to:

-Lollapalooza*

-Drunken go-kart driving at Haunted Trails*

-6/9 The new official drinking holiday*

-Sitting in McDonalds for hours at a time instead of standing on the corner holding a sign and getting paid for it*

-Margs*

-Getting arrested, all the rest of my friends have why cant I?*

-Turning 19 in Illinois and 22 in Texas*

-Margs*

-Inglorious Basterds

-Possible photoshoot from Adeelolzolzolzlz*

-If not that then glamorshots at Ford City*

-Getting that shirt that says Made In The Hood: Straight From The Block*

-More to come*

*Good chance I'll be drunk or on something.

Example of black face- 

To add to the weird things I think would be cool on people is dog legs. To have dog legs as arms i think would be pretty dope. I like the way they bend and really big paws are sweet. Also, I would never have to wear shirts with sleeves due to the fur which is pretty much like built in sleeves. This is a good solution to the problem i have which is wearing clothes. I try to wear as little clothes as possible at all times. Call me a phr33k, whatever.

I really like cereal, the way I judge cereal however, is very unorthodox. Its not the cereal itself but its what the cereal does to the milk. The meal doesn't end once the cereal is gone its a two-for-one deal, also known as 2fer. Its almost like dinner and a show. I strongly believe that Coco Pebbles has the best after effect on the milk. While I enjoy Coco Puffs as just the cereal more, Coco Pebbles def. has more bang for its buck because its a endless, nonstop roller coaster of flavor. There are some cereal that to have a good end result you have to add stuff to. Like Rice Krispies(not to be confused with Rice Krispie Treats) you have to add strawberries, maybe bananas or possibly even sugar to have good milk at the end.