Rock, Paper, GFY.

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As much as I hate disabilities, I love wheel chairs. I wish I had a wheel chair of my own and never had to walk again. That'd be cool to have swoll ass arms so you can always pull your body into a wheel chair but your legs are just dead weight. Imagine having to wait in line with a wheelchair. Just think about it. Thats right, you cant. Because when youre in a wheel chair there are no lines. People that have been in a wheel chair their whole lives are truly blessed because they have never known the horrors of waiting in a line. I sometimes don't leave my house if I know I'm gonna have to fuck with a line. Fuck that noise. Why don't I just break my own legs you ask? I have beautiful legs. Long dancers legs at that. You can't get rid of the money makers. Therefore I decided It'd be a ton of fun to get a friend thats bound to a wheel chair. Think about how cool it'd be to push him places, thats a big responsibility. A grown (wo)man is trusting you with his and/or her life. Also, imagine getting them really shlammered so their blacked out. You can put them ANYWHERE, they're on wheels. Or even have them wake up outside of their wheel chair and hide it from them. Watch them squirm around, throw water on them, make it rain on them. Whatever. My point is, People in wheel chairs are great to play pranks on and I want one. I want a person in a wheel chair, not to be forced to use a wheel chair because at this rate I give myself 5 years til I have to use a wheel chair and people play pranks on me run on sentence.

Know what really grinds me gears? Cheap beer snobs. Not beer snobs, I don't even listen to them when they try and tell me about their Norwegian triple hopped distilled inside an apple and eaten from the inside out which was then pissed out by local norwegians over a bed of orange peels and filtered through the bark of a 400 year old tree in the middle of a town youve never heard of. I'm talking about the douchefucks who see you bring a case of High Life over and they scoff and are all, "High Life?! ew. You could've atleast bought Busch!" Like is Busch really that much better? All that shit tastes awful anyway. Just enjoy it. Pussies.

I thought of how to take the fashion scene by storm. Know how faggy priests have those dope ass white collars that no one else can wear? Change of plans. Grab some of those collars, make them different colors, throw sports logos on them. Hell, even bling them out. Make a gold collar with diamonds n shit all over. Am I going to Hell? Probably. But I already knew that, lets make the most of it before I go. Up top is an example of what I thought of.

Recently I've been having a lot of chest pains and problems breathing due to my "live fast, die faster" lifestyle and a friend suggested I see a doctor. It was then I realized I have not been to a doctor since MLK Day 2005(dubbed Ted Appreciation Day for obvious reasons), and it gave me a idea. I'm only going to voluntarily see a doctor one more time and that, my friends, is to get diagnosed with cancer.

I have a couple ideas for TV shows or a reality movie much like Super Size Me.
The first of which deals with me giving myself cancer, probably from staring into the microwave the entire time it takes to cook a potato in there. I will then go to a doctor to make sure I've accomplished my mission and beat it cold turkey from there on out. No doctors on this one Michael.

The second of which, is when I realized how I need money and while I was baptised I never made my communion because my parents gave me the choice to watch cartoon with my Dad or go to Church School or whatever its called, I wasn't retarded and I chose cartoons. The time is now to cash in, especially because I think all religion is bullshit so I can take advantage. Ill make my communion, cash in. Convert to Judaism, have my bar mitzvah, cash in. Ill do whatever Native Americans do and go on that weird spiritual shit where you trip balls in the woods(just another weekend to me) and cash in. Maybe have a Super Sweet 16 too. Ill get B2K to reunite and perform. I'll need a party planning committee if anyone is interested.

Sorry if I offended anyone with cancer or believes in religion. Except not.

Ideas

-A pepper grinder that is the slut from the Exorcist. Her head is the part that your turn to grind the pepper.(Can also be used with owls, would probably be much cuter.)
-A salt shaker that looks like a rolled up 20 dollar bill, for obvious reasons.
-I should open a novelty salt shaker/pepper grinder store.

-A really cool prank would be to mix a really old one with something new. You take the old bucket over water or oatmeal over the door trick and just fill it with $1 bills, BAM! Make it rain on someone in a classic way.

Last night, around 7 pm, I realized I was sitting on my couch, still in my boxers, all the lights off, eating Hot Pockets and drinking alone. I then realized how this will probably be how I spend the rest of my life and I'm totally okay with that.

Country Fried Steak, or country fried anything, is the greatest invention ever. Actually Chicken Fried Steak. I dont really know what that means but chicken, steak, and deep frying are involved and thats the recipe for success.

Snow is the greatest white rapper ever. His hit single Informer changed the way people make music today.

Teen movies-
I love all of the really lame teen movies, always have. but recently theyve gotten worse and worse. Recently i was watching Juno and I thought to myself, when is Matthew Lillard gonna embarrass this cunt? it never happened. and it made me think, what happened to teen movies? what happened to the days of Freddie Prinze Jr and Jennifer Love Hewitt and John Wilkes Booth and other 3 part names. And I realized its our fault. Us as the viewing audience have gotten soft and made it alright to be a nerd. for some reason its "cute" to be unpopular and people are okay with that. Michael Cera should have gotten his ass beat by Paul Walker long before Superbad was ever made. The only cool nerds in 90s teen movies were all stoners*, who are still cool to this day. Fuck you all. You ruined my idol, FPJ.

White girls with dreadlocks-
For real? Just kill yourself.



Alright, I'll expand a little. A hate white girls that have dread locks. I guess thats a little sexist but white guys with dreadlocks I hate for a different reason. These are the people that sit in college class rooms sitting cross legged in desks that know theyre uncomfortable but they still do it to send some sort of message, i dont get it either. They sit there and nod their heads while the professor talks and eats granola bars and shit like that. They spend thousands of dollars a year to go to school and then stand on the corner for green peace. really cool guys. Also, they just look dirty.


Kanye West-
I dont get why anyone is surprised or takes this guy seriously. He clearly goes out of his way for attention and is a character he made up himself. The dudes a loser, he went to Polaris, a charter school on the southside. His mom died and he got all depressed and started making worse music.

Super Nintendo-
The rest of this blog was angry so i'll end on a good note. I recently busted out my SNES. its the best system ever. whatever.




*Other than the one nerd in Cant Hardly Wait that ended up being really cool and sang Paradise City.

After watching more Arthur ive decided that Mr Ratburn is indeed a homo. The way he talks, the way hes really catty. All of that, huge homo. On top of that, in the episode where the class has to write a paper on thanksgiving and Francine plagiarizes, Mr Ratburn is seen eating thanksgiving dinner at home by himself. So not only does he not have a family of his own to eat with but his extended family has dis-owned him for being gay. 

I've decided how Im gonna make my big break in the entertainment biz. I want to knock up a 16 year old and get on the show 16 and Pregnant. Ill then makeup a good character to act as on the show and once the shows up, ditch the family. But the fans of MTV will be wanting more of me, more of Jake "The Jake" Speck which is when I get my own spinoff show. I havent decided what my show will be yet, maybe sorta like Bromance but less bromantic.

Lastly, I hate all kinds of pride parades. Im not just saying this because of the gay pride parade being recently but that was the final straw. If youre not waving a 'Merican flag, put it away.

You know what really grinds my gears? How a bakers dozen is 13 yet when you get a dozen donuts from the bakery you only get 12. I could really use that extra donut. 

Idea for a movie- Like Mike 3. Instead of Bow Wow finding a pair of Michael Jordans shoes and becoming good at basketball, a overweight, out of shape white kid (possibly played by me or the kid from Bad Santa) puts on black face, like back in the day when white people played black people in movies, and then becomes really good at basketball. He will then go on and take over the street ball scene instead of the NBA and all the black people at the courts will be confused.

Im really excited for the summer, heres a list of things to look forward to:

-Lollapalooza*

-Drunken go-kart driving at Haunted Trails*

-6/9 The new official drinking holiday*

-Sitting in McDonalds for hours at a time instead of standing on the corner holding a sign and getting paid for it*

-Margs*

-Getting arrested, all the rest of my friends have why cant I?*

-Turning 19 in Illinois and 22 in Texas*

-Margs*

-Inglorious Basterds

-Possible photoshoot from Adeelolzolzolzlz*

-If not that then glamorshots at Ford City*

-Getting that shirt that says Made In The Hood: Straight From The Block*

-More to come*

*Good chance I'll be drunk or on something.

Example of black face-